Saturday, October 16

Chapter 14:

In Which Mother and Father Move Away From Home Leaving Their Youngest Child With A Case Of Empty Nest Syndrome

It's strange being the youngest son.
You are always "Mamma's littly boy," but still have to be a man at some point.
Take what happened to a friend of mine...

Josh was always very close to his parents, and lived with them most of his life. When he went away to college, he began to get better aquainted with his parents (as often happens with college students), and became friends with them as well. After he graduated, they had him live at their house, as they were away most of the time on a road-trip for their job, and needed someone to keep up the house in their absence.
However, a month later, Josh's parents got a job in another city, and, being as that city was 3 hours (200 miles) away, they needed to move.
Now this was a perdicament for their youngest son (now aged 26), who was all alone in the city, living at his parent's house with them and working two jobs to make ends meet, for, while he coulf see the benefit of his parents moving away, knew he would miss them (and the furniture) very much indeed.
Now, when his parents moved, they left him the house, and told him to pay half the rent and all the utilities (which was a great deal, being in a low-rent senior mobile-home park where his parents lived), but was very odd for Josh because now he was the youngest person in his neighborhood.
Josh now lives alone in this senior mobile-home park for a few reasons:
  1. He can not get a room-mate. Imagine trying to find a room-mate to live in a senior mobile home park: no partying, or playing their music loud, must be a good room-mate to live up to the reputation of those he roomed with at college (where he had three of the best room-mates a person could ask for).
  2. He can't get a pet. His parents are trying to sell the mobile home, so if he were to get a pet, he, when forced to move away, must find a place where the pet was allowed, or give away the pet. Besides, being left alone while the owner is at work 16 hours a day isn't good for a pet.

So there he remains, feeling very much like a single parent whose son or daughter has just married and left home.

Poor guy.

He should buy himself a tie. Ties always make me feel better aboput myself. Just the other day, in fact, I was feeling down in the dumps, so I went out and bought myself a whole bunch of new neck-ties from thrift stores (where you can get a tie for a buck), and ended up having a great day because of it (the fact that I had just that day gotten two paychecks, and had won a contest for a free trip to Hawaii, and a new car had nothing to do with it)!

Saturday, October 2

Chapter 13:

In Which Josh Takes a Perfectly Good Essay and Edits it, Adding His Own Comments and Changing Small Things.
From an Essay by Aiko Yamada Entitled: Maps or Spam?

The letters of the word “Maps” arranged in reverse order spells “Spam.” This connection between these two seemingly unrelated items could be a coincidence, but perhaps there is more to this phenomenon than mere chance. I believe there is an important connection between these two vastly different items, which I will attempt to explain in the following paragraphs.
Using a map indicates that one is traveling to a different location than one is in at the present moment. This may be a short distance -- for example, to a friend’s house fifteen minutes away -- or, on the other hand, it could be as far removed Florida from California. In any case, whatever the distance, it is a well-known fact that the human body must be sustained with food at periodic times throughout the day. If one happens to be traveling durring the noon hour, one will wish to partake of food at some near point in time.
Let us take, then, these two scenarios:
  1. Say, for instance, that one is visiting a friend whom one has not seen in quite some time, and that said visit has been scheduled for 12:30 pm. Unspoken social custom would decree that one’s friend would offer a meal to the visiting party, or, at the very least, something to snack on, as this is the approximately time for lunch. However, if this friend does not offer sustenance, one will spend one’s time conversing in a very unpleasant state of hunger. This situation must be avoided at all costs.
  2. In the case of long distance travel, one might find oneself driving for several hours across flat territory with no adequate places to stop and eat for miles at a time. Bringing food along on the trip is always a wise thing to do, but snacking on chips and candy, while enjoyable, is neither healthy nor wise. Snacks will not provide the nutrition one’s body needs to endure the long drive.
The answer to the problem in both these scenarios is Spam.

Spam is a meat-substance made from various animal parts that requires no refrigeration. It can be stored in one’s car for any emergency, long trips or short trips alike. Spam will provide sustenance for the traveler who visits a callous friend and the adventurer who treks across the country.
Some might argue that eating a map is far superior in taste and nutritional qualities to eating Spam, but to this I say: Spam has more nutritious value than eating a thin layer of wood pulp, however appetizing said wood pulp may be.
Therefore, in order to be prepared for any situation that arises, the wisest course of action when traveling is to keep a tin of Spam with one’s map in the glove compartment of one's car.