Tuesday, November 30

Chapter 19:

In Which a Life is Examined in Scrutinizing Detail Until We Get Bored of Doing So.

As I was driving along today, I noticed that many of the drivers didn't have a clue what was going on, or, which is more likely the case, were trying to get out their aggression by driving like imbiciles.

Take, for example, one Toyota I saw today.
As I entered the freeway, both lanes were clear as day -- no cars driving at all -- except for one blue Toyota Sedan (please excuse my ignorance of car types). This Toyota was in the nearest lane, and was driving at a constant speed of 9,000 miles an hour.
As I entered the freeway, I could see the blue menace approaching rapidly, but, as I was not yet on the freeway proper, I was cautious about my entry... especially as the Toyota had no intention of moving to the clear lane.
The moment of crisis approached where, unless his car moved, slowed down, or (although not likely possible) sped up, we would collide.
I was forced to stop entirely, and, if not for the fact that there was none behind me, an accident would have been the only possibility.

What I wonder is this:
What was the driver thinking?

Could it be that, at reletively the speed of sound, he couldn't see my white minivan which was in clear view against the green foliage behind me; or was it that the driver thought he was not responsible for changing lanes because it was actually I who was pushing him out of his appropriated lane; or was it that he was blind, and had his guide-dog driving for him; or was it that he was angry with the world, and just didn't care?

We may never know.
What a pity.

Tuesday, November 23

Chapter 18:

In Which We Discover the Some Things Are Not as They Are, and Others Are Not as They Should Be... or Something Completely Unrelated to That Subject.

Have you ever tried to be completely random on command? It's very difficult.
Take what happened to a friend of mine the other day...

Jack was seated in a small, out of the way Cafe reading a book when a woman walked up to him and asked if she could borrow his salt shaker. He looked up to her, and their eyes met breifly, and, as they sat there staring at each other, he said:
"Do you have a dog?"
Now, the woman was taken aback by such a random question, and the smile on the man's face said that he actually wanted to know. So she asked him why he wanted to know if she had a dog, and he replied:
"No reason"
And handed her the salt shaker; then promptly went back to his novel.

Now, many would say, this man was obviously either trying to start up a conversation, or commenting on a smell, but neither of these was the case. Someone else might ask whether the question had anything to do with the book he was reading, but that would also be barking (excuse the dog reference) up the wrong tree. Another would say, "it's because he was thinking about dogs," but that would also be wrong.
The truth of the matter was that my friend was a master of randomness:

Randomness: n. or v. depending on context The ability to pull something entirely unrelated into a situation without others knowing, or being able to find out, a logical connection with the context of the action or remark. (Taken from the Unabridged Superspectacular Dictionary of Made-up Words: Second Edition)

How do I know this? It is because I was sitting with him at the time, and I asked him specifficaly about all dog related questions trying to pinpoint the origin of that comment.

However, later on, at a party, when asked to "say something random," he was unable to do so. He actually said something related to the topic of our conversation, and that ruined the effect, and it wasn't funny.

This goes to prove that randomness can not be instigated by a second party without losing the randomness of the random act.


Chapter 17:

In Which we Explore, Very Briefly, the Connection Between Bananas and Dwight D. Eisenhower.

If you have ever eaten a banana and thought of the presidency, I'll bet you thought of Mr. Eisenhower. I know I think of him every time I eat a banana, because when I am eating a banana, I think,
"Boy, I like Bananas."
And that, my friends, reminds me of my favorite presidential campaign slogan:
"I Like Ike."
So there you go.

Thursday, November 18

Chapter 16

In Which We Begin to Explore the Role of
Poultry in Politics More Closely

What good are chickens in modern government, I mean, really?
If we begin to explore the idea of chickens in any branch of modern government, we are left with only two real options: IRS or FDA. Other than that, you can't really find a place for chickens.

Now, as to the "Great Rebellion" that almost happened with the bovine of the world, we begin to see that, though the chickens may have made good secretaries, they would be of very little actual value to the New Bovine Administration (NBA) as proposed by the Cows.

That was where the Great Rebellion failed: assignment of duties.
The bovines were organized and had many livestock followers (the sheep will follow anyone, and pigs are smart enough not to create waves), but they began to rely too heavily on the chickens, and the entire structure fell apart.

At first, the poultry division was merely in charge of typing memos, e-mail, and the like. The ferrets (who knew their way around) were in charge of distribution, and the goats were in charge of motivation. What ended up happening was the cows began relying too much on the chicken's ideas--which is a really bad idea since your average chicken has a brain the size of a pea--instead of being strong leaders. The ferrets were replaced by dogs who, though excellent carriers for the delivery system, got easily distracted by anything and everything, and major messages did not get carried out in time to co-ordinate strategic attacks in the United States and abroad.

Eventually, the cows realized the the Great Rebellion, though started strong, finished as a mere whisper instead of a war cry, and are now forced into mere subservience to their masters until another great leader arizes from among their ranks.

Tuesday, November 16

Chapter 15

In Which We See if Chickens Can Float

I've often wondered to myself what amazing feats Chickens can do... and I can't think of any. I mean, how many chickens have ever won the Congressional Medal of Valor, or the Nobel Peace Prize, or a coloring contest, for that matter? None.

So what good are chickens? In this essay, I plan to tell you some interesting things I have learned about chickens and, hopefully, a desire to explore others for yourself.

  1. Chickens are good typers.

This is somewhat misleading, because we always compare a chicken's typing skills with our own, and, more often than not, we are better typists. And while I don't think you should run out and hire one as your secretary, I will reitterate: chickens are good typers. In fact, I could honestly say, chickens are the best typers in the entire animal kingdom! If you don't believe me, then just ask a cow.

A few years ago, when the cows were starting, what they now term, The Great Rebellion, Cows were in need of a way to keep in contact with other herds across the globe, and, while the internet was readily accessable to them, when they started trying to type an e-mail, they found that they were stuck: their hooves couldn't be controlled. So the cows began trying other animals for their secretaries, and found, through trial and error, that, though the common gerbil was good, the chicken was best. Possibly because of their great beak/eye coordination. The woodpecker was fast, yes, but the cows wanted better accuracy.

2. Chickens float.

While this fact may not amaze and astound you, think back a few years to the wreck of the Matilda Gene off the coast of South America... Chile I think.

The boat was shipping poultry to somewhere other than where they originated from (I think they were headed to Tierra Del Fuego) when they struck a huge rock. The boat was going down fast, but the captain didn't give up. He let all the chickens free, and told his men to swim for shore. However, when once released, the chickens floated there in the ocean (some sort of chemical reaction with their feathers I think) and the crew roped them together into rafts and made it safely to shore.

So there you go!