Saturday, August 6

Chapter 24

In Which We Hear A Brief History of Outer Spulvaria, and Her First King, Torvald the Great

Not many of you have probably heard of Outer Spulvaria, and with good reason: it was conquored by Norwegians under Chief Vjirk Demersson (in the days before King Dygve Domarsson, there were not titles of "king" in Scandanavian culture), the grandsire of Odin (of mythological fame, but truly the first of the great Chieftans of Norway).

Outer Spulvaria was situated in the plains of the northern scandanavian penninsula (Modern Norway and Sweeden, but also including the connecting part of Finland on the mainland). It was founded by Dunke (chief) Frivjald Kiesmorgin ("the frivolous wolf-child"), who, along with his mother, three wives, and sixteen children and four grandchildren fled from Southern Fingflichd(Finland) because of religious persecution. They were vegetarians.

The first Spulvariads were reindeer ranchers who sold the reindeer for meat to neighboring tribes (mostly nomadic Eastern Jutlanders and Southern Scandanavians), but for themselves, only for dairy. The Spulvariads were innovators in reindeer by-products: seven types of cheeses, milk, butter, and curds. One of the reindeer cheeses was most famous because of the after-taste of cinnimon, as is recorded by Djorkdisvol (an oral story-teller):

[Spulvariad Transliteration] [English Translation]

Mikeo-fivbondit adyo ean (The cheese of Spulvaria)
asgvzyi hjzo av, tibijk (That makes your mouth water)
.tu xanztkul b. yaglrt anig op (Is soft like goat butter)
zh-ajg ginv .asb, djold (But tastes so much better)
val avibou ghsel thkuz (They make it quite fresh)
ypo zagfli rzpo at. (And they sell it much later)
Yan gaivor asg Mizhgozh (This cinnimon tasting)
Mikeo-fivbondit adyo lorjk (Spulvarian Cheese)

After Dunke Frivjald Kiesmorgin had ruled for twenty years, he died under mysterious circumstances: some still contest to this day that he choked on deep-fried Carribou, and others say it was a heart-attack, while others hold to the "acid reflux" version.

After him, his son Edgor the Translucent became the Dunker. He was a good ruler, and turned people from their vegetarian ways, and showed them the proper way to cook reindeer. All were happy, and they lived prosperously as they became gradually more famous for their barbeques and Reindeer and cheese dishes. Edgor made peace with the neighboring clan of Suomi, and they exchanged citizens (it was customary to exchange trustworthy men who would give good council on diplomatic matters to keep peace), and Thorgald Mismarkinsson was appointed in trade for Wally Smarkman (a strange little Finn).
However, Thorgald was no good, and gave bad advice once to often, and his head was shipped back in a box to Edgor who had sent him there because he was not wanted in Spulvaria. This was how Edgor got his nickname "the translucent" -- because he had no poker face.
Edgor died because he was hung from a tree by a short rope, and his son, who had hung him there, took his place as Dunke. His name was [at this point there was a large gap in the manuscript I found containing the history, so I will just say that it must not have mattered much].
Then his son Ipfab zhorix Hegeios (Ipfab "who had splotches on his skin") reigned as Dunke.

At this point, Chief Vjirk Demersson of the Southern tribes attacked, because he wanted the land and reindeer-and-cheese recipe, and conquored the Spulvarian people, totally anhillating them and their cheese recipe (of which only the famed "Hjorkilod Fragment" remains in the Natural History Museum in Dunkirk), and wiping the memory of the Spulvarians almost entirely off the map.

In 1947, two American explorers (Dan Hammersmith and Andy Fjordsson) happened upon a document carved into a stone tablet -- now referred to as "SPF-50" -- relating the history of the Spulvarian people as written above. This tablet is kept in the public library in Kiev... and nobody knows why.

How I happened upon the narrative was through complete coincidence which I will not here relate (though I will say it is a rather amusing annecdote involving monkeys and a plaid t-shirt).